Blast from the Past

This is an old letter I ran across again recently

August 23, 1991

Dearest Daughter,

Hi baby…how’s it goin’? I’m writing this to you so maybe you’ll see to do things different than I did.

I’m 22 years old right now. By the time you read this, I’m sure I’ll be somewhat older and it will seem to you that I was never your age. Well, I was.

This letter is about marriage. I’m going to tell you exactly how I feel right now, so that you will have an idea of what being 22, married, and having a child is like.

It’s a Friday night, about 9pm. You and your Daddy have gone to pickup Daddy’s friend. I’m sitting home alone feeling miserable. I could have gone with you but I guess I wanted to be alone. The reasons I am miserable are too many to name. But the definite root of it all is being married. Not necessarily because of your Daddy, although there are lots of things about him that make me unhappy. The problem is that I’m too young for this. At my age, I want to be out – at a club or something, dancing, hanging out with friends, flirting with guys, etc. Instead, because I’m married – here I sit.

My husband (your daddy) ignores me half the time. I guess so… I’m “old hat” to him. We’ve been together for 7.5 years and married for the last 4 years. So I can’t blame himm for not being too interested, I’m not that interested in him either. But because we’re married, we both have to endure this dead relationship. Don’t get me wrong, we love each other…deep down…somewhere. Mostly he annoys me though. If I could, I’d walk out again. But I can’t. If I left, I’d risk a custody battle over you, not that Daddy would really want you to live with him, he’d do it so I wouldn’t divorce him. Not only that, I’d lose my relationship with his parents. And I like them very much. They’d never understand why I left again – even after he seems to be treating me well. So I guess I’m just doomed to stay here and be unhappy. But maybe if I write this down and give it to you when you’re older, I’ll save you from ending up the same way. My mom tried – hell, she begged me for hours not to do this to myself, but she couldn’t give me logical reasons. She didn’t even know why not to. I suppose she was unhappy too.

Please, baby girl, before you fall in love and want to get married, please have all the fun you can. Go out! Meet a lot of guys, but never commit to any of them until you are absolutely bored with going out.

I met my husband (your dad) in high school. I was 15 years old, and with the exception of some brief flings when I was 21, I haven’t had any boyfriends since. It sucks. I’m only 22! At that age, you need to be free -- free to come and go as you please, have your own apartment where you can decorate the way you want, listen to what you want to on the radio or watch TV, run about naked without someone criticizing your body – where you can get up and go to bed on our own time, keep it sparkling clean or be an absolute pig! Cook your food your way – just do whatever you want the way you want to do it!

When you’re married, that’s the end of freedom. At best, you have to compromise on everything, if not totally give in. Your daddy and I would probably get along a lot better if we didn’t live together. But…when you’re married, you live together. Another thing is that when you are single, you have sex when YOU want to, not when you’re obligated to. Being married obligates you to have sex with your husband. And yes, you can say “no” and push him away, but eventually you’ll get tired of listening to him either bitch or beg and then you’ll have to just give in and let him have it.

And, when you’re single – a guy who wants to have sex with you has to try. He has to take you out, be nice/sweet and sexy, buy you things, etc. When you’re married, what you get for sex is some lazy attempt – no going out. Most likely it will occur at night when you go to bed, and YOU want to sleep, OR even worse – in the morning when YOU don’t feel like waking up yet. And it’s with this aggravating person you live with, not someone whose good side is all you see. The actual intercourse is even different. When you don’t see each other naked, on the toilet, or nasty all the time, sex is more exciting. When you’re married, the sight of your spouse on the toilet tends to flash in your head during intercourse.

And if you haven’t found out already, men are all the most insecure, jealous, whining creatures made, There are those who seem to be secure – they are good actors. Once you are married, you will be spending your life reassuring him that yes, he is the only one you want – yes, he’s very handsome – no, he’s not too short, skinny, fat, etc. – and no, his penis isn’t too small, it’s perfect. By the way, if ever asked if his penis is the biggest you’ve seen, the right answer is always, “You mean they make them bigger than you?”

While you’re spending all your time trying to make him secure, he’ll be staring at everything with bigger boobs and smaller hips than yours – Heaven forbid YOU should be insecure.

So, whatever you do, don’t get married til you’re ready for your social life to be over. I don’t want you to think badly of your daddy, but I’m not sitting her making this stuff up. It’s actually happening to me. I love you and I hope you don’t end up the way I have (so far) and the way my mom did too.

Love always,
Your Mama

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Interestingly enough, even though my daughter opened and read this letter earlier than I had intended her to, and seemingly took it to heart at the time, she got married and became a mother herself even younger than I did. So far, she's handled it very well, and I'm proud of her. My fervent hope is that by some miracle, she is happy and never ends up as miserable as I was in the same situation.